With this being a long weekend I imagine a lot of you will at some point be laid up on the couch, looking to Netflix to get you through a hangover. So I thought it would be appropriate to drop a bit of Netflix knowledge.
If like most people you’re an avid TyFive reader then you’ll have noticed that I often talk about Netflix. That’s because Netflix is awesome. So many many shows to watch. If you’re not paying attention it’s easy to lose a year in it’s succubine grip.
However, since you are such an avid TyFive reader then you’ll also have noticed that I can talk some trash on pretty well anything, even something I hold as near and dear to my heart as Netty Flix.
Here are five problems I have with Netflix.
1. “ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?”
Don’t you hate when you’re spending you’re whole day watching season eight of The X-Files, you know the shittier season where they replaced Mulder with the T-1000 from Terminator 2. Man, as if they did that. Way to take something great and just shit on it, X-Files. You had an Oh Henry with Agent Mulder and you replaced him with a god damned Cherry Blossom.*
Mulder totally owned shit for seven seasons and they seriously couldn’t get someone more relevant than Robert Patrick, the guy who played the fucking T-1000 to replace him? That dude’s got the personality of a fax machine. Seriously, they should have replaced Mulder with a fax machine. But like a fax machine that talks like K.I.T.T. the car from Knight Rider. But unlike K.I.T.T. it wouldn’t be voiced by Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World, the fax machine is voiced by Denzel Washington so it’s all cool and sexy and black… sounding.
Anyways, you’re watching TV all day and Netflix has the gall to ask “Are you STILL watching The X-Files?
Hmm, well is the truth still out there? Then yeah, I’m still watching the god damned X-Files!
Unless… wait a minute Netflix, did you answer a phone call for me from a possible employer with a promising job opportunity?? Oh, what’s that, you didn’t? Then play the fucking show and hold the judgement. I clearly don’t have much going on in my life, can’t I just watch Mulder and Scully chase some fucking aliens without my god damned TV passing judgement? What, are you gonna leave me for your shift manager at Montana’s too, Netflix??
*Read the following in a stupid person’s voice.
“Duh, what’s a Cherry Blossom??” – You.
That’s what you sound like.
*I’m sorry, I sincerely apologize for calling you dumb a moment ago. I just got worked up. I guess I just expect everyone to know what a Cherry Blossom is because I can’t stop thinking about them. Day and night, they’re all I can see when I close my eyes. I mean just look at that thing. It looks like someone ate HAL 9000, the evil red light from 2001: A Space Odyssey, and shat it out while HAL simultaneously had a miscarriage.
Ain’t no kids wanting to eat this filth. Naw man, kids want good wholesome candy. So you can go get your jollies somewhere else, Walter M. Lowney Co. Ltd. You sick sons of bitches.
2. BECAUSE YOU WATCHED.
Oh, I get it, because you seent what I watched you think you know me or sumthin’? Ya’ll don’t know me! I stay out as late as I want, I call my mom a bitch, I have sex with like a hundred guys, ya’ll don’t know me, Netflix!
“Because you watched Vampire High Detective Agency: Teenage Walking Sexual Assault Victim Cheer Squad Division…”
NF, keep that shit down, yo! I thought we was cool?! Why you gotta be running your mouth all over my TV screen about what kind of shows I’ve been perusing, esse? That shit ain’t cool. Alls I can say is you best knock it off, Holmes.
Remember, Netty Flix, whether you’s an insentient intangible computer program or not, snitches get stitches…
3. SCREEN SHOTS SHOWING THE GUEST STAR/THE BIG KISS/DEAD CHARACTER.
Imagine it’s July 20, 1969. By this point you’re nearly bored of giggling at what year it is. Luckily tonight is the night you’ve been waiting weeks for. You read in the TV Guide that there’s some big hullabaloo that’s gonna be televised from outer space that night. So you go to flick on the ol’ television and see what all the brouhaha is about. However, just before you can turn the dial some loud-mouthed asshole comes in and tells you that Neil Armstrong walks on the fucking moon, and he even shows you a picture of it, effectively ruining the entire broadcast for you.
Netflix, you are that loud-mouthed asshole.
If David Bowie makes a surprise guest appearance on Californication, how about you make the screen shot anything other than Ziggy Stardust in a post-coital embrace with Hank Moody. It’s like Netflix makes a point to seek out the best, most surprising part of every show and makes you see it before you can even press “play episode.”
That’s like me making the photo for this blog post a picture of you rolling your eyes. I would never give away the ending like that!
4. NOT LISTING ALL THE AVAILABLE PROGRAMMING.
Unless you’re smart enough to use the “search” option to actively seek out Kangaroo Jack on Netflix you might not even know you had the option to watch it. You were probably resorting to painstakingly putting in your DVD copy of Kangaroo Jack every time you wanted to watch it.
There is so much more content on Netflix that they don’t tell us about, yet in every single category I have to see the same eight programs listed. How about you let me delete insane crap like Dance Moms from showing up and you present me with some fresh options? Cause I know you’ve got the shit. I know you’ve been holding out on me.
I’m sick of Netflix’s not so hidden agenda of trying to get me to watch Bones. Yeah, that’s right, I’m onto you… And I’m not gonna watch it! I don’t care how hard you recommended it to me when I finished watching Buffy the vampire Slayer. You do you, let me do me.
5. DANCE MOMS.
This show is fucked.
They’re wasting bandwidth (That’s what the internet is made of, right? Or is it midichlorians..?) on shows like this when they could be making room for stuff like 3 Ninjas, or 3 Ninjas Kick Back.
*SIDENOTE: According to IMDB, none of the kids from 3 Ninjas had another acting job after 1996. Retired only a year after the last instalment of the trilogy, 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up… Crazy they never acted again. I know, not even Tum Tum! Also known as the actor Chad Power to you non-Knuckleheads.
Now Netflix, as far as Dance Moms goes I know you didn’t technically MAKE this “show” but most drug dealers don’t make the crack themselves either. However, you’re both still just as much to blame for peddling the garbage. This shit is tearing away at the very fabric of our society. It’s ruining lives, my life. I mean at least crack can get you high for awhile and make people sell you a bike for like two bucks. What positive can you possibly pull from Dance Moms??
Now I’m no terrorist, in fact I’d go as far as to say I’m fully against terror, but the fact that this show can exist makes me hate freedom.