Here are just a few of the many ways in which the youth of today are more wussified, stupider, and have it far easier than the kids of MY generation, the Pepsi Generation.
*A quick Google search has just informed me that I’m actually not a member of the Pepsi Generation which actually began in the ’60s. I’m not even a Gen X’er. Apparently I’m a part of Generation Y. That doesn’t sound that cool. I assume the Y stands for YTV. Oh well, whatever man, it’s gotta be better than whatever this current generation is called. Let’s just call this crappy generation of crapsters, Generation YOLO. But that’s too long, let’s shorten it up. They are from here on out to be know as Generation Y… 2!
K?
**I apologize in advance for the long windedness and at times kinda gnarliness of this post, but it’s like a late Nobel Prize winning poet once said:
“Youth is wasted on the young… and kids these days are like CRAZY retarded. I seriously can’t even listen to them without wanting to just punch their brutal faces in. Hey, we should get some chicken wings! Or maybe just more beers… Man, I wonder what Bernadette is doing tonight? That girl sure can fuuu-Wait, what are you doing? Are you writing all this down? Are you fucking kidding me?! Firstly, that is SO not cool, bro. The shit I say is supposed to be between us only, dude. And secondly it’s like 1890 so that means you brought a quill pen and an ink well out to party? Who does that?? God, you’re SO not cool, Tobias.”
– George Bernard Shaw (1890’ish)
1. VIDEO GAMES.
Back in MY day you had to go to Lasertek after school on Friday to rent a video game and you had to return that game promptly by 6pm Saturday evening.
We had a mere 24 hours to beat an entire video game. That meant staying up all night without the aid of the yet to be invented and abused energy drinks or Adderall. Best case scenario you got your hands on some Jolt cola to get you through that long and frustrating night.
Ok, it’s hour 11 of straight gaming and Dad has already come downstairs and told you to go to bed twice by now. You’re on your last life and you’re at the second last boss.You’re looking good, he’s almost dead, unfortunately you didn’t know that when this boss is almost dead he starts glowing red and bouncing all over the screen!
He hits you immediately. You’re dead.
Oh well, no big deal. I’ll just go back to where I last saved and… Oh wait, it’s 1993 and you couldn’t save that shit! You’re back to square one, mother fucker! Oh, what’s that, you’re gonna run away and kill yourself? Nuh uh, committing sui because you lost at video game won’t be invented for at least another decade!
Kids these days will never know the soul crushing defeat of playing a video game well into the wee hours of the morn, eyes bloodshot and fingers carpel tunnelled, just to have Dr. Wily cut you down and send you back to level one. Oh man…
I should clarify up front that I was never on the Titanic, but I imagine the feeling is very similar. I mean having been on the Titanic was probably worse, I’m guessing. But maaan, being that close to beating the game and having to start ALL OVER! Well I-I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.
…unless of course my worst enemy was that god damned Billy Zane! Rose ain’t wit choo you no mo’, Billy! She’s Jack’s bottom bitch now so just get over it fool or else maybe Rose will just hold onto your diamond for like a thousand years leaving you ever so slightly less rich and then long after you’re dead she’ll throw it in the ocean! Ha, yeah, that’ll show you.
Don’t half step with your weapon on safety, Zane or you’ll catch Rose’s fade and she a baaad bitch! She’ll throw anything in the ocean, she doesn’t give a fuuuck. PETA who? I hope you like eating diamond necklace, fish!
2. ALLERGIES.
These days no one even bats an eye anymore if you bring a gun to school, that’s just a Tuesday. A slap on the wrist and you’re on your way, “Promise no more guns ok, Clayce? We’re serious this time. Now get out of here you little scamp. Ha, oh kids…”
However, if you show up to Social Studies strapped with a PB+J sammy and they will crucify you!
When the hell did Mr. Peanut become public enemy number one? You’re telling me that my fictitious kid can’t bring a Snickers to school without everyone diving under their desks like it’s the Cold War, meanwhile kids are getting blown every colour of the rainbow and that’s just business as usual?! I think the system is a bit out of whack here..?
It just doesn’t seem fair. I mean I’m pretty sure that 15-year-old me was never given the option of either having peanut butter and jelly for lunch or getting my untouched teenage wang orally transformed into a tropical fish. But I am getting away from the point, which is very unlike me.
I’ve never been an advocate for homeschooling, but I’m starting to lean that way. Firstly you can eat whatever the hell you want for lunch without Ryler in the front row going into anaphylactic shock. Also you’re the smartest and coolest kid in class! Though you’re also the dumbest and most likely to get bullied…
What happened to survival of the fittest?
If a spoonful of Nutella is basically like a bullet to you then maybe you are just not long for this Earth? Let us all remember the wise words of the PSA kid who made sound effects:
“No one’s good at everything, but everyone is good at something.”
Truer words have never been spoken. Well except maybe that Astar can “put his arm back on, you can’t.”
Word, Astar!
Either way I do believe that everyone is good at something, but maybe for you insane nut allergy kids that thing you’re good at isn’t living? Or maybe that thing you’re really good at is being isolated in a padded nutless room? You’re probably the BEST at that.
*I hope anyone with a nut allergy who is reading this isn’t actually offended. I obviously don’t want any of you to die! Just that if it comes down to choosing between a handful of Reese’s Pieces or having you around ever… Well we can just cross that bridge when we come to it.
(I’d pick the Reese’s. You obviously wouldn’t know, but they’re fucking delicious. Take my word on that one.)
**Does anyone even understand any of that rainbow BJ stuff I was talking all sorts of bullshit about? Well as is the mark of any good and successful joke this one may require an explanation.
First off I highly doubt it was ever actually happening, but some people believed that their teenage sons and daughters were engaging in gatherings called “rainbow parties” where the goal is for a young man’s penis to eventually be covered with every colour of the rainbow from the various shades of lipstick that the female party goers would wear.
Now I’m no Sherlock Holmes, or even Katie Holmes for that matter, but even I can see that story for the steaming pile of rhubarb that it is based on one fact alone; Unless these guys are going to school with Katy Perry, ain’t no real life girl got fucking INDIGO lipstick. So unless you’re going for a meager six colour rainbow these parties are horse shit.
I rest my case.
3. SPEAKING/WRITING.
I like to think I’m as YOLO or umm… TBH(?) as the next cat, but come on now, write ONE god damned sentence using full correctly spelled words! The machines are already autocorrecting your words for you so you actually have to put in more work to say “no no, I don’t need the right spelling, I’ve got this” and cancel the autocorrected version so you can go ahead and stupid up your writing.
If I send you a text saying I’m going to the movies and you respond with “I wana go 2” I’m gonna be confused by what you taking a dump has to do with me going to the movies.
It makes me cringe, or actually maybe smile to think of tombstones in the future.
“HEar lyes @Brylin_Shawnathan_Mueller_Fitzpatrick6969. Di’nt RESPECT the #YOLO and was TaKen 2oo tsun. SwAG!”
You just go ahead try not to tear up in front of that gorgeous monument to a life fully lived. It’s impossible. #ripbrylin
4. DRUGS.
Teens these days are even too lazy to roll up their sleeves and put some real work into getting wasted.
“It’s too hard to drink a crappy OE that tastes like piss to get wasted. I’ll just pop back a couple of these tic-tacs and be all messed up lickety-split.”
Pfftt, get outta here with your MMA pills and what not.
Back in MY day it took work to get a buzz on! We didn’t just buy a little $5 pill and dance like Freddy Mercury all night. No, we scrounged up as much money as we could between about four or five of us kids, found some sketchy older dude with a valid ID, and got him to buy us beer!
But even that was much harder than it sounds.
See there was a little thing called “buyer’s fee.” These older guys weren’t just going to buy us some beer out of the goodness of their hearts, they had to get their cut. So basically we’d give a dude like $30 to get us some beer, he’d take $5 or $10 right off the top as his “buyer’s fee” then he’d come back with a couple of 2-litre bottles of Growers which totalled all of about $7 or so, and pocket the remaining cash. To which us teens couldn’t say anything since he could grow a pretty scraggly beard and looked like he knew what it felt like to stab someone.
Long story short a little less long, until you and your teenage companions have taken turns choking back a lukewarm 40oz of Bullmax under the Selkirk bridge, you don’t deserve to party.
5. PORN.
First off these teens probably don’t even care to look at any porn because by the sounds of it they’re all boning each other at their leprechaun pot of gold parties or whatever.
But should one of these promiscuous teens be unfortunate enough to have an off week down at the ol’ high school and are forced to take matters into their own hands, well simply typing a few key phrases into the intronet machine will instantly immerse them in an endless see of debauchery of varying legality.
Bunch of lazy bums if you ask me! Where is the work ethic in our youth today??
Today’s teens will never have to answer their mom’s query as to why she can’t watch the second Titanic VHS tape because it’s all worn out for some reason.
Sure you kids stay up until 5am playing Call of Duty every other night, but when’s the last time you stayed up that late because “the following program may contain scenes of nudity“??
That’s what I thought.
*If the person responsible for all the small details of cable programming is reading this, and I assume they are, if you’re going to say “the following program contains scenes of nudity” and omit the “MAY” from that warning, well then that program sure as hell better have a boob in it or better yet a pair of them! A little honesty in your warnings could have saved a ton of 13 year old boys a whole lot of staying up late, that’s all I’m saying.
**FOR MY YOUNGER READERS: Because of its long 3.5 hour running time the movie Titanic had to be released in a two VHS tape pack. The second half of Titanic contained the scene where Kate Winslet gets topless in an attempt to keep up with Jack’s slutty french girls.
THE MORE YOU KNOW!
-TG
TyFive 