Here are five things about grocery shopping.
*Maybe you’re a millionaire and shop at Safeway or Sobey’s, but I’m a Superstore and Price Choppers kind of guy, so if some of this doesn’t apply to you then la-di-da!
1. REUSING PLASTIC GROCERY BAGS.
Don’t.
But, but, but what about saving all the nature and stuff??
Hey, I’m not against recycling. I am all for reusing things that make sense like water bottles and condoms. However, what I am firmly against is shitty stretched out second usage plastic bags ripping and my freshly purchased glass-jarred goods smashing on the ground.
There’s a reason these bags cost three cents. It’s ’cause they ain’t no Gucci bags, girl. If you’ve already carried home a frozen lasagna and a 2-litre carton of milk in it then that particular plastic bag has reached the end of its life.
So unless you’re going to use it the next time you go shopping for cotton balls and individual pieces of tissue paper get rid of it. If not then the next time you go shopping it’s only gonna fuck you over and spill your groceries 10 feet from your front door and you’re just gonna stand there like a jerk. So unless you like smushed bread and bruised apples spend the three cents on a new bag. Or I guess you could just get the reusable grocery tote bags.
2. BULK BINS.
If you’re walking around the supermarket and with only an onion in your hand and you decide to snack on a gummy bear from the bulk bins, that’s stealing and you should be ashamed of yourself. Who the hell do you think you are? You should go home and take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror and really think about your life. Think about the person who you want to be and the impression you leave on the world around you.
Now if you’ve got a shopping cart overflowing with $350 worth of groceries then feel free to hammer back a few handfuls of trail mix throughout your shop.
It’s an unwritten shopping bylaw that as a customer you are allowed to eat candy straight out of the bulk bins mid shop, without paying, just as long as you have the right amount of groceries in your cart.
Here’s a quick breakdown:
Anything you can carry in just your hands = No bulk bins for you.
One full basket = 2-4 gummy frogs or 2 chocolate covered pretzels.
One full cart = 2 small handfuls of any bulk items.
No, this isn’t “stealing” it’s a customer loyalty program. The supermarkets want you to do it. Why else would they even have bulk bins?
3. THIS TIME I’M ACTUALLY GOING TO EAT ALL THE PRODUCE I BUY.
Ok, Tyler do you remember the last time we were at Superstore and you bought that pillow-sized bag of spinach that you didn’t even open before you had to throw it out? Yeah, MAYBE you don’t eat quite as much spinach as you thought. That being said, you should probably buy TWO bags today because you’re seriously for sure gonna eat it this time. This week is gonna be all spinach-based meals. Yeah, this is happening. So what if I’ve thrown out almost every single bag of spinach I’ve ever bought, this time is gonna be different…
It won’t be. It isn’t. Dammit.
I have thrown out so much more produce than I have actually consumed.
I might as well pay for my groceries then just leave two thirds of my vegetables on the shelf at the store because no matter how serious I am about eating all the produce I buy I still end up throwing most of them out because they’ve gone bad.
“Just don’t buy the vegetables in the first place?”
What a great idea! Except now I’m the full grown man in the grocery store with exclusively Toaster Strudels and Lunchables in his cart. Use your brain, fake person I just quoted! The veggies are working double duty. Thinking I’m actually going to eat these veggies makes me feel like I’m being healthy, and when other people in the grocery store see all the produce in my cart it makes me look like the grown up that I’m not.
4. WALMART PHOTO CENTER INCIDENT.
Alright, so maybe this one might be a little off the grocery stores topic, but Walmart has a grocery section and even though this incident didn’t take place there I’m including it. It’s my blog, I do what I want. I’m a rule breaker even when they’re my own.
‘Twas a few days before Christmas and I was sick as a dog. However, as I am prone to doing I had left all of my shopping and holiday errands until the last minute and was forced to deal with the already mind-numbing task of Christmas shopping, but with the added bonus of feeling like shit.
I had just made it through an insanely long line at the Walmart photo lab and was finally at the bank of self-service photo printing terminals. I was waiting behind a woman and her 10’ish year old son when I noticed what looked like a real life version of Gru from Despicable Me at the next machine over. Had it not been for this man’s clothes and the fact that he was printing off an alarming amount of nude photos he could have been Gru’s twin.
Now from what I could see they weren’t nude photos of him, thank god, nor did there appear to be anything illegal about the images, but the fact that they were existing right beside me in an insanely crowded Walmart photo lab was off putting none the less.
The mother ahead of me was busy with her own photos (not nudes, at least not that I could see anyways) so she didn’t notice Gru printing off his Christmas cards. However, I could see that her son obviously knew what was going on beside him. It’s one thing for me to be bummed on society/life, but once I saw this young boy observing these illicit proceedings I decided to step up and be a man about the whole situation. So naturally I went and told the lady at the counter on him.
Well according to the lady working the register there is nothing Walmart can do to stop someone from printing nudies on the self-serve machines.
Reeeally? NOTHING they can do? How about just saying “Hey you, don’t.” I feel like that would do the trick. Or they could just spray him with a hose until he leaves? I gotta think that would discourage anyone from printing off nude photos in their store.
Well since it was apparent that Walmart wasn’t going to address the problem, and since I now had to make up for acting like a snitch I decided to take matters into my own hands and confront Gru. Though I knew I had to broach the subject with a surgeon’s precision.
“Hey buddy, the next time you feel like printing off a million naked photos maybe wait until there aren’t any kids around, you piece of shit.”
Yeah, that should straighten him out.
Wow, I did not see that coming. I kinda just expected him to act shocked and slink away into the pervert shadows all embarrassed, but I guess this isn’t his first public nudey printing rodeo, and he knows how to handle hecklers.
Had I not been extremely sick I probably would have minced words further with the live action Pixar pornographer, but seeing as I was already so defeated simply by having to Christmas shop while sick I had no fight left in me and I just continued on with my miserable day.
And really for all I know those may have been gifts for his loved ones, and everyone deserves to open a present on Christmas.
5. HANDICAPPED PARKING.
Why are there handicapped parking stalls halfway across the Superstore parking lot? Sure, they are located beside a shopping cart drop off area, but I don’t get why that makes it a good handicapped spot? They normally give these people parking spots right out front of the building because they have some sort of disability that makes it difficult for them to walk across a parking lot. However, Superstore feels that not only can these people get themselves halfway across the long parking lot, but do so while pushing a cart, often through the snow. Bunch of ignorant jerks, those Superstore parking lot planners.
Oh, and the other day I saw a clearly handicapped person parking in a regular stall! Needless to say I gave them a piece of my mind. No, unlike the Walmart incident with Gru this time I wasn’t going to just walk away. I made sure to get in their face and let them know that shit won’t fly! So I was swearing at this person for about five or six minutes and right in the middle of my rant they just up and went into the store. Well I got the last laugh because I keyed their car after they wheeled into the store so rudely in the middle of our conversation.
I mean if I don’t stand up and send a message to these rule breakers who will? When you think about it I’m basically Rosa Parks. Well like a modern day Rosa parks who drives a car instead of taking the bus, and instead of standing up for civil liberties I make sarcastic, questionably funny jokes on the internet.
-TG
TyFive 