DREAM JOBS.

While I’ll be the first person to acknowledge that I’m still young and handsome enough to attain most or all of these career goals in my life, I still refer to them as “dream jobs” because they are the jobs I work at in my dreams to earn dream dollars which I can then cash in for bonus dream levels.

So here are five careers I would love to have.

1. STUNTMAN / AMERICAN GLADIATOR.

Top five reasons why being a stuntman would be awesome:

1. Jumping out of sky scraper windows.
2. Getting lit on fire.
3. Jumping from a galloping horse onto the roof of a moving car/train.
4. Acquiring a badass nickname like Tyler “Ty” Geurts.
5. Getting dressed up like Zac Efron to double for him in a scene that requires Tad (Zac’s character) to jump a motorcycle over a swimming pool and then maybe after we wrap that scene and I’m still in costume some teenage girls (18 year olds, totes legal) see me and actually think I’m the Mother Efr himself and lift up their shirts to show me their awesome bewbs. And George Clooney happens to be right there and sees this all go down and totally hits me with a cool four-step high five sequence that we both nail first try without even practicing. Then George invites me out to his place in the Hamptons to play paintball, and even though I get the jump on Cloon and can totally light him up with paintballs I miss on purpose and let him win since he’s been such a good host. George makes me Mickey Mouse pancakes every morning and flies in all sorts of exotic strippers every night. Some of the strippers are of a super race from the North Pole not known to us regular folk. After two weeks at Clooney’s Hamptons home I have to get back to work and finish shooting the big Efron summer blockbuster. As I’m saying goodbye to George I extend my hand for a shake and he leans in for a kiss on the lips. I casually turn my head pretending not to notice his advance and he hits me on the cheek. I don’t see George again for several years, though he continues to “poke” me on Facebook every few weeks.

Since I probably won’t be stuntin’ 9-5 err’day, I’d use my stuntman athleticism to moonlight as an American Gladiator. My name would be Raisin, short for Raisin Hell because I go through competitors with the ferocity of a raisin, which as we know is high in dietary fibre and speeds up digestion. My specialty would be a stage where competitors have to get across a 100-metre trampoline covered in soap and marbles while I shoot them with Nerf non-name brand toy guns and also bb guns. Unfortunately like pretty well every A.G. great before me, my gladiating career will be cut short when I’m found dead in a Denny’s washroom.

2. HOST OF MAN V. FOOD.

Eating disgusting amounts of insane food to show how kickass and manly I am, all the while getting paid is the American dream. And since I live in Canada, a.k.a. “upper America” that makes it my dream as well.

Not only would I make stacks of cash by hosting the show, but think of the additional money I’d save:

• Don’t have to buy my own lunch.
• Get sent on vacation for free.
• The mountains of insanely greasy bullshit I’ll be consuming every day will surely kill me at a young age, which will save me thousand of dollars in rent.

As the show’s new host my first order of bidness would be to add an “s” to accompany the “v” in Man v. Food. What the hell is that all about anyways? It should be Man vs. Food. Using “v” without the “s” is almost exclusively used in a legal context. The television program using it in this case just makes people confuse the show with the unprecedented 1996 civil suit of Mann v. Phood. Which as we all know was when plaintiff, David Mann, successfully sued Chinese buffet owner, Zhang Wei Phood, for $450,000 in damages after claiming the fortune in his cookie was was incorrect. You may remember it as the trial the media dubbed “Phood Food Feud.”

3. HIGH POWERED FILM EXECUTIVE WHO PREVENTS MOVIE REMAKES.

I don’t know if this is a real job that exists, but the title of this post was “DREAM JOBS.” So if in my dreams I can fly (only while upside down) then I can also invent a new job. Besides, this one is super important and really should be a real job if it isn’t already because we need to put a stop to this shit!

Just chill out Hollywood, we don’t need another fucking Total Recall!

I tell you what, if I was at that Total Recall remake meeting in my newly created position this is how it would have went down:

Some asshole:

“Hey, remember in 1990 how people loved Total Recall? Well we should just make it again now only way crappier and instead of starring a beloved actor and gigantic box office draw of the time like Arnold Schwarzenegger we’ll get a washed up actor that most people downright hate and who looks like he’s probably pretty racist in real life like Colin Farrell!”

Me:

“Fuuuuuck yoooouuu! That’s a terrible idea! God, I hate you. You’re fired. Shut it all down. And we’re having Thai food for lunch, that’s not up for debate!”

And that would be that. In a three minute long meeting I’d save the studio $125 million dollars, I’d save Joe Public 118 minutes of eye rolling and holding their finger up to their head while pretending it’s a gun they’re using to blow their brains out, AND I’d secure Thai food for lunch that day.

4. WRITER.

I should clarify, I have no interest in writing books or anything serious or long, I strictly want to write for a sketch comedy show or possibly a new and totally hilarious sitcom that I create and also star in like some kind of peniled Tina Fey.

My sketch comedy show could be called Sketchy. It’s a double entendre because it would be a sketch show that would star television’s first all dirty hobo cast! I’m not gonna lie, a lot of the sketches will be trainbridge and bindle themed, at least at first while the hobos cut their teeth. However, I think around season two or three once the show really hits its stride we’ll be able to branch out into sketches about lots of other things such as garbage fires and wearing wooden barrels with straps as clothes!

The as of yet unnamed sitcom would most likely be a behind the scenes look at what it takes to run an all hobo sketch comedy show. It would be air on NBC and star Fred Savage as me, the creator/head writer, and the Olsen twins as all the hobos. Think 30 Rock meets 30 Rock. It would air for four seasons to mixed reviews before being cancelled and replaced with an all dog sitcom about a dog park starring Air Bud’s youngest son and Chloë Grace Moretz as the lead dogs, called Barks and Recreation.

5. ASTRONAUT.

Or time travelling astronaut. Either one would be fine, I just wanna go to space so fucking badly. I wanna float, use waterless high-suction toilets, float while eating floating Jell-o, and most importantly wear a cool space jumpsuit with my name sewn onto it!

“Captain…”

No…

“SUPER SPACE CAPTAIN TYLER ‘ TY’ GEURTS OF ROGUE SQUADRON!”

Or of any squadron really. Though I would definitely feel better knowing Wedge has my back up there. #starwars

Seriously though, do we even fucking go to space anymore? Sure, Chris Hadfield went to space, TWO YEARS AGO. And what did he accomplish? Oh, he wrote a book? Well then I guess it was worth it because as we all know writing on Earth just does not work. That’s the reason why since it’s creation in 1954, against the urging of his accountant, Brad Anderson has to be launched into space every time he wants to write a new Marmaduke comic strip.

Former US president John F. Kennedy knew how important space travel is. JFK’s affinity for space exploration is illustrated in this excerpt from his speech at Rice University on September 12,1962.

“…We need to get to space and onto the moon pronto so we can use it as an army base for all our space fighting. Also if we find any sweet moon poon up there I call first dibs ’cause I am the original ‘ass-tronaut’ if you catch my drift… For those of you who don’t catch my drift I’m talking about fuckin’. Oh, and we should drive dune buggies around when we get on the moon and try to hit some kickass jumps! Dude, how awesome would that be?? Oh man, those stupid Russians would be all like ‘whaaat, no way?!'” – John F. Kennedy, President/Visionary.

I’m pretty sure the space shuttles that get launched these days don’t even have lasers or space missiles on them. They’re basically just giant metal tampons. We might as well just launch giant billboards into space that say “Hey aliens, come invade our planet cause we’re total pussies, lol.”

Man, we used to shoot monkeys into space! When did we lose our way…

-TG

MORE TERRIBLE THINGS PEOPLE POST ON FACEBOOK.

Going back to the well already, eh?

Yes, I am.

Here are five more terrible things that people insist on posting all over Facebook.

1. EVENT INVITES.

I’m sorry, but I reeeeeally just don’t wanna.

No, I’m not busy with prior engagements, nor do I have any other excuse for not going. I just don’t want to.

Listen man, I’m just as pumped as you are that your 3-week-old band is going to be playing a show at Dave’s Goodtime Carwash in Moosejaw, but in all honesty I probably won’t be attending. So please just don’t involve me in the whole thing. Keep me out of the loop.

But sometimes I click “attending” on these events anyways, just to be nice and cause I’m stupid. Gotta show my support, you know. Now I’m getting 16 notifications a day.

“Oh crap, Jim’s aunt Carol isn’t gonna be able to make it to his kid’s 2 and a half year birthday party cause she’s still living in Cranbrook with Uncle Mike and the kids. Sure she sends her love, but it’s still a real bummer and definitely fucks up my day hearing this. At least she let us all know though and we’ll have time to adjust to this news before not going to the event and not knowing or giving a shit that Aunt Carol wasn’t there.”

And every day these eventers are making all sorts of updates I don’t give a shit to get notified about. “Oh what, the start time of that Wolesley art and pet walkathon I have no intention of going to got changed from 3:00 to 3:15?? Fuuuuuck! Well at least I got an email and Facebook notification telling me they updated the event page so I can now update my schedule to the new time I won’t be showing up at.”

Save the Internet trees, ban the Facebook invite!

*Tip: If Steve is “maybe attending” your event I wouldn’t save him any jalapeño poppers cause he’s not coming. Nobody in the history of “maybe attending” has ever actually shown up to anything ever. If it was an event that actually sounded like fun they would be “going” but then again if an event was actually good it wouldn’t require hounding people to come via Facebook, they would just go of their own accord.

I’ve never seen Facebook invites needed to get people to attend a wet t-shirt contest and they seem to do just fine. Let’s all take a cue from the ever wise and prospering wet t-shirt industry and let our events sell themselves.

2. QUIZZES.

“Which colour M&M are you??” or any bullshit 6 question quiz that can somehow anthropomorphize inanimate or inhuman objects.

When I answer that my favourite colour is yellow and favourite food is lasagna then yeah, it’s PRETTY obvious that I’ll live to be 71 and Brittney has a crush on me. I don’t need a quiz to know that.

*Yeah, I said anthropomorphize, no biggy. And it probably won’t even be the biggest word I use today. I’ll most likely drop a “cantankerousnesses” at some point.

3. SHARING A STATUS BECAUSE YOU CAN WIN SOMETHING.

“P-Diddy and Bill Gates are giving away $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,004 and a free Playstation 5 to anyone who shares this post!

No they aren’t. Why would you ever think that? Are you stupid? That’s a sextillion and four dollars. There’s no way they even have anywhere near that insane amount of money. And if they did why would they give it to you for spamming your friends with Facebook bullshit?

Also I don’t think those two hang out that much. But for some reason you think the awesome idea of giving your annoying Facebook using ass a butt ton of money is bringing them together? Naw man.

To get heads of that caliber to come together and give away that kind of cash it would take like a trillion hurricanes pushing a sextillion kids down old wells where they all land on and cripple a bunch of abandoned blind puppies. Even then they’d MAYBE give away a few million bucks, but we’d probably be subjected to some horrible U2 ear raping song pulling a B&E on our iPods “for the children.”

Though your ability to blindly click “share” on any piece of Internet garbage is truly admirable, I ask that the next time you’re going to share that nugget of Internet insight you take a moment to think of how it will effect me, Tyler. I really don’t think any of us want me to have to write any more angry Facebook blog posts.

4. LIFE HACKS.

“Instead of wasting time with silly old REAL metal locks on your doors you can simply take an empty mayonnaise jar, a ziplock bag full of pencil shavings, half of a red onion, some dental floss, an empty matchbook, and about 300 plastic spoons and…”

Stop telling me more complicated ways to do the things I’m already doing just fine! I own a god damn plunger, I don’t need to spend an afternoon cutting a 2-litre bottle in half and hot glue gunning balloons around it.

Maybe I’m misinterpreting the term so I feel the need to double check, but a “life hack” means a person who is a hack at life, correct? Just extremely lame people, right?

I think if you’re using a coat hanger for a bunch of unnecessary shit around the house other than hanging up clothes and occasionally breaking into your 1989 Oldsmobile Cutless Sierra that you accidentally locked the keys inside again, then you my friend are a life hack.

5. MEMES.

Ha, words on a picture, good one! How ever did you come up with that??

You know what would be a lot easier than spending several hours like maybe twenty minutes tops writing one of these blog posts? Rehashing the same bullshit picture of Willy Wonka or a serious looking baby over and over. That would be much easier and probably get my blog a billion more views and likes, but I prefer something a bit more original that doesn’t necessarily just pander to the masses.

Pfft, who needs “likes” and laughs when my humour can provide confusion and seconds of near laughter!

Let’s get back to creating our own original content, shall we?

Pinky swear? K, deal! Blood brothers for LIFE! This is gonna be the best summer ever!!!

And it was.

We didn’t know it at the time, but that summer would be a defining point in our young lives. The days were so long and care free. Skipping rocks and catching frogs down at old Mr. Gillespie’s big pond. Pooling our change together to buy a malt down at the soda shop. The time we rode our bikes all the way out to Willows Bluff because Tommy wanted to jump off the big rock to impress Jenny. He never did, but it was still a great time and sticks in my mind as one of the funnest days of my life.

Tommy’s family moved away to Sioux Falls the following summer and we lost touch. Some years later Arny and Jenny ended up getting together and getting married. They’ve got a couple of kids now and they own the hardware store in town. Whenever I go in there for supplies Arny always tries to give me a deal and I always respectfully decline and pay full price. It’s nice just to see his face. Jacob joined the military where he died tragically in a plane crash. After his funeral all of us guys from the old gang took his ashes down to Mr. Gillespie’s pond and spread them out on the water. The pond seemed so much smaller now, more like an oversized puddle. None of us said anything, but I could tell we were all thinking back to that one great summer we shared. We smiled at each other, said our goodbyes, and went our separate ways.

-TG

TERRIBLE THINGS PEOPLE POST ON FACEBOOK.

Here are five of the worst things that I have to constantly see on Facebook.

*Don’t be offended, this blog is all in fun.

**Actually maybe just be a LITTLE bit offended. Just enough to make you rethink Facebooking all of the things I’m about to talk about. Thanks.

1. STUPID CLICK-BAIT LINKS.

“At first I thought this puppy/homeless guy/potato was just a regular puppy/homeless guy/potato, but when I looked closer I couldn’t believe my eyes!”

At first I thought this friend of mine was an intelligent person, but once I looked closer at the content they posted on Facebook, I couldn’t believe my eyes! …and had to hide them from my feed immediately.

Stop posting this click-bait headline trash!

Yes, I’ll admit a guy in Hawaii living in a tree for 30 years and eating nothing but his own beard to raise money for canker sore research IS pretty interesting, but I REALLY don’t need that information. There is so much bullshit cluttering up my brain already. I know how to fold a $5 bill into an adorable miniature collared shirt, therefore I don’t have room to know that one time a fox was photographed with a puppy and a whole elaborate story was made up about the fox raising the puppy and them becoming lifelong best friends and even years after the fox has died the now fully grown dog still visits the hollowed out old tree by the river where they grew up…

You can go ahead and keep that piece of hard-hitting investigative journalism to yourself, I’m good over here.

2. FAKE NEWS ARTICLES POSTED BY PEOPLE WHO DON’T ACTUALLY REALIZE THAT THEY ARE NOT REAL NEWS.

“Police Officer In North Pole Mistakes Underage African-North Polish Elf Holding A Nerf Gun For A Real Gun, Shoots Him Dead” is probably NOT a real news article. So before you go and post this to Facebook with the caption “SOo sikk of this bulshit alreddy, fuk the copS!!!” and end up looking like a moron, take a look at the website URL. If it’s posted on say theonion.com then I can say with like 60-70% confidence that it is not real news. And furthermore these articles aren’t even intended to trick the reader. These are very intentionally and I thought OBVIOUSLY absurdly fake news articles for the sole purpose of making us laugh.

Ok, here’s an easy way to know if you should take what you’re reading seriously: Once you’re done barely skimming the obviously satirical headline of this important world news piece take a look at the next article down on the page. If it’s something like “Local Man Confused After Finding Cake Left Out In Break Room With No Instructions” then that’s a pretty good indicator that just maybe you should second guess the article you were about to post about North Korea threatening to bomb the U.S. if Frozen 2 hits theatres.

3. POSTS TO GARNER SYMPATHY FOR SERVICE INDUSTRY EMPLOYEES.

“10 things servers hate” or “If you work in a bar then you’ll understand how these customers are the scum of the Earth and should burn in Hell”

Nobody cares!

Every man, woman, and child have at some point in their lives worked in the service industry. It does not make you special, nor does it necessitate another Buzzfeed article about how ordering  extra mayo pisses off your waitress beyond belief or how asking for a small glass of water will make your bartender commit suicide.

If these very small and very reasonable requests which actually happen to fall directly in your job description burrow their way into the core of your body and metastasize throughout your entire being and make you need to run to the bathroom and cut yourself then maybe it’s time to get out of the game? Sure, it’s been a good 12 year run, but you should probably leave the hospitality industry as you are no longer hospitable.

*Before all you service industry folk attack me let it be known that I’ve been a bartender for about 7 years so I am just as outraged and offended by this post as you are! The nerve of me…

4. EVERY SINGLE PHOTO FROM YOUR TRIP.

Hmm, should you really post ALL 390 photos from your 6 day trip to that all-inclusive resort in Mexico..?

Uh, YUP!

Now Tammy I hate to be a bother, but surely you must have more than just a measly 51 photos of you shooting tequila at the hotel bar?! I feel like I barely got a taste. And I KNOW I’m not alone in thinking you’re being a real cock-tease by ONLY posting 72 identical close up photos of you and your friends faces smushed together taking up the entire frame. Seeing a background in photos, gross. Who needs that shit. Gimme some o’ them super close up face sandwiches any day, right Tam-Tam?? SPRING BREAK!!

5. GIRLS GROWING UP WAY TOO FAST IN THEIR PHOTOS.

So you’re creeping around the ‘book and somehow end up on some Barbie’s profile. The first dozen of this girl’s pictures are insanely scandalous photos of her up in the club with all her fun parts hanging out, making out with all her friends and so on, but then they very quickly turn into pictures of her wearing baggy Varsity View sweaters with the rest of the JV volleyball team in Mr. Schaeffer’s grade 11 homeroom.

Jesus Christ!

I was just trying to look at photos of you looking like a high medium-class hooker and then you gotta make me slam my laptop shut and look out my windows for the police when I realize you might have been born after 9/11?? “Never forget” when Kanye interrupted Taylor Swift’s award speech.

Knock this shit off you way-older-looking-than-you-actually-are-and-probably-getting-me-flagged-on-some-kind-of-government-list jezebel!

I’m just saying that I sure would hate to be the mother of this fictitious example of some generic morally-questionable young lady.

-TG