Going back to the well already, eh?
Yes, I am.
Here are five more terrible things that people insist on posting all over Facebook.
1. EVENT INVITES.
I’m sorry, but I reeeeeally just don’t wanna.
No, I’m not busy with prior engagements, nor do I have any other excuse for not going. I just don’t want to.
Listen man, I’m just as pumped as you are that your 3-week-old band is going to be playing a show at Dave’s Goodtime Carwash in Moosejaw, but in all honesty I probably won’t be attending. So please just don’t involve me in the whole thing. Keep me out of the loop.
But sometimes I click “attending” on these events anyways, just to be nice and cause I’m stupid. Gotta show my support, you know. Now I’m getting 16 notifications a day.
“Oh crap, Jim’s aunt Carol isn’t gonna be able to make it to his kid’s 2 and a half year birthday party cause she’s still living in Cranbrook with Uncle Mike and the kids. Sure she sends her love, but it’s still a real bummer and definitely fucks up my day hearing this. At least she let us all know though and we’ll have time to adjust to this news before not going to the event and not knowing or giving a shit that Aunt Carol wasn’t there.”
And every day these eventers are making all sorts of updates I don’t give a shit to get notified about. “Oh what, the start time of that Wolesley art and pet walkathon I have no intention of going to got changed from 3:00 to 3:15?? Fuuuuuck! Well at least I got an email and Facebook notification telling me they updated the event page so I can now update my schedule to the new time I won’t be showing up at.”
Save the Internet trees, ban the Facebook invite!
*Tip: If Steve is “maybe attending” your event I wouldn’t save him any jalapeño poppers cause he’s not coming. Nobody in the history of “maybe attending” has ever actually shown up to anything ever. If it was an event that actually sounded like fun they would be “going” but then again if an event was actually good it wouldn’t require hounding people to come via Facebook, they would just go of their own accord.
I’ve never seen Facebook invites needed to get people to attend a wet t-shirt contest and they seem to do just fine. Let’s all take a cue from the ever wise and prospering wet t-shirt industry and let our events sell themselves.
2. QUIZZES.
“Which colour M&M are you??” or any bullshit 6 question quiz that can somehow anthropomorphize inanimate or inhuman objects.
When I answer that my favourite colour is yellow and favourite food is lasagna then yeah, it’s PRETTY obvious that I’ll live to be 71 and Brittney has a crush on me. I don’t need a quiz to know that.
*Yeah, I said anthropomorphize, no biggy. And it probably won’t even be the biggest word I use today. I’ll most likely drop a “cantankerousnesses” at some point.
3. SHARING A STATUS BECAUSE YOU CAN WIN SOMETHING.
“P-Diddy and Bill Gates are giving away $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,004 and a free Playstation 5 to anyone who shares this post!
No they aren’t. Why would you ever think that? Are you stupid? That’s a sextillion and four dollars. There’s no way they even have anywhere near that insane amount of money. And if they did why would they give it to you for spamming your friends with Facebook bullshit?
Also I don’t think those two hang out that much. But for some reason you think the awesome idea of giving your annoying Facebook using ass a butt ton of money is bringing them together? Naw man.
To get heads of that caliber to come together and give away that kind of cash it would take like a trillion hurricanes pushing a sextillion kids down old wells where they all land on and cripple a bunch of abandoned blind puppies. Even then they’d MAYBE give away a few million bucks, but we’d probably be subjected to some horrible U2 ear raping song pulling a B&E on our iPods “for the children.”
Though your ability to blindly click “share” on any piece of Internet garbage is truly admirable, I ask that the next time you’re going to share that nugget of Internet insight you take a moment to think of how it will effect me, Tyler. I really don’t think any of us want me to have to write any more angry Facebook blog posts.
4. LIFE HACKS.
“Instead of wasting time with silly old REAL metal locks on your doors you can simply take an empty mayonnaise jar, a ziplock bag full of pencil shavings, half of a red onion, some dental floss, an empty matchbook, and about 300 plastic spoons and…”
Stop telling me more complicated ways to do the things I’m already doing just fine! I own a god damn plunger, I don’t need to spend an afternoon cutting a 2-litre bottle in half and hot glue gunning balloons around it.
Maybe I’m misinterpreting the term so I feel the need to double check, but a “life hack” means a person who is a hack at life, correct? Just extremely lame people, right?
I think if you’re using a coat hanger for a bunch of unnecessary shit around the house other than hanging up clothes and occasionally breaking into your 1989 Oldsmobile Cutless Sierra that you accidentally locked the keys inside again, then you my friend are a life hack.
5. MEMES.
Ha, words on a picture, good one! How ever did you come up with that??
You know what would be a lot easier than spending several hours like maybe twenty minutes tops writing one of these blog posts? Rehashing the same bullshit picture of Willy Wonka or a serious looking baby over and over. That would be much easier and probably get my blog a billion more views and likes, but I prefer something a bit more original that doesn’t necessarily just pander to the masses.
Pfft, who needs “likes” and laughs when my humour can provide confusion and seconds of near laughter!
Let’s get back to creating our own original content, shall we?
Pinky swear? K, deal! Blood brothers for LIFE! This is gonna be the best summer ever!!!
And it was.
We didn’t know it at the time, but that summer would be a defining point in our young lives. The days were so long and care free. Skipping rocks and catching frogs down at old Mr. Gillespie’s big pond. Pooling our change together to buy a malt down at the soda shop. The time we rode our bikes all the way out to Willows Bluff because Tommy wanted to jump off the big rock to impress Jenny. He never did, but it was still a great time and sticks in my mind as one of the funnest days of my life.
Tommy’s family moved away to Sioux Falls the following summer and we lost touch. Some years later Arny and Jenny ended up getting together and getting married. They’ve got a couple of kids now and they own the hardware store in town. Whenever I go in there for supplies Arny always tries to give me a deal and I always respectfully decline and pay full price. It’s nice just to see his face. Jacob joined the military where he died tragically in a plane crash. After his funeral all of us guys from the old gang took his ashes down to Mr. Gillespie’s pond and spread them out on the water. The pond seemed so much smaller now, more like an oversized puddle. None of us said anything, but I could tell we were all thinking back to that one great summer we shared. We smiled at each other, said our goodbyes, and went our separate ways.
-TG
TyFive 